As I near my mid-30s, I’ve noticed my circle of friends has significantly shrunk compared to my 20s. Over time, the wonderful people who were once my go-tos for weekend trips and late-night adventures either moved away, got married, had babies (or some combination of the three). I’ve had my own growth, too: I relocated to the Bay Area, advanced in my career, and settled into a different rhythm of life.
But as the years passed, it became harder to stay in touch with the people who used to be part of my regular day-to-day life. Somewhere along the way, I realized I no longer had a close group of people I could spontaneously text for lunch or rally for a last-minute weekend activity. The casual, effortless friendships of my 20s had quietly dissolved, and I was left wondering: how exactly are you supposed to make new friends as an adult?
We usually look for friends who reflect our current phase of life. For me, that means being child-free, unmarried, career-focused, and mostly petrified of small talk. So… how does one actually meet people like that in their 30s???
Over the past year, I’ve been taking intentional steps to find the community I’ve been searching for. Through trial and error (and awkward group dinners), I started to suspect that most people my age either quietly gave up on making new friends, or are so deep in the trenches of parenting that social expansion isn’t their current priority.
But I’m persistent. I decided to treat this like a personal experiment and try every method I could find to build a community of friends in my little corner of the Bay Area. In case it’s helpful to other 30-somethings on the same journey, here’s a breakdown of what I’ve tried and how it went:
RealRoots
RealRoots (RR) was my first foray into structured friend-making services, and arguably the most successful, at least at first. The concept: pay around $250 to be placed in a curated group of 10 – 15 women, with weekly dinner meetups coordinated by a facilitator. Before fully committing, you pay $25 to attend a 90-minute meet-and-greet with your potential group. That fee gets applied to the program if you sign up.
I will admit, the icebreaker questions they ask you each week can be excruciating, especially if you dread small talk like I do. After the typical questions like “Where are you from?” and “What do you do?”, they had the audacity to dive into questions like “What’s something you’re currently struggling with?” and “What’s an accomplishment as a woman you’d like to share with the group?” on the first meeting. *insert eyeroll here*
Despite these loathsome prompts, I went through with the six-week program. Having a group leader was helpful; they’re paid by RR to manage logistics and keep conversation flowing. However, aside from one bowling night, most meetups were purely dinner-based. So unless you’re the rare person who thrives on long, vulnerability-heavy conversations with strangers over an expensive meal and cocktails… it’s a lot.
Also: the restaurants they pick are pricey. Expect to spend $30–$50 per meal. One unlucky person from the group each week has to put the full bill on their card and pray everyone in the group venmo’s them back. If RR is reading this: please pick restaurants where people can pay individually. Nothing builds group tension like a $400 group tab.
Pros: Six-week structure helps build familiarity; facilitator helps ease pressure.
Cons: Female-only, expensive, and centered around icebreaker questions.
TimeLeft
This was my least favorite method. TimeLeft (TL) organizes single-night group dinners with strangers. You pay a nominal fee, meet up at a restaurant, and use a list of questions provided by the app to guide the conversation. Then, all the TL groups from that night are invited to a secondary location (usually a bar) to network as one large group.
I didn’t make it to the bar. It was already 9:00 p.m. on a weeknight, and the second location was 30 minutes away. I decided my sleep was more valuable.
When signing up, you do select your budget, which filters you into a group with similar financial preferences (a nice touch). But otherwise, there’s no attempt to match people by interests, values, or life stage. So I ended up spending a night with five people I had nothing in common with: two tech sales bros who instantly bonded, one deeply religious woman, one very loud extrovert, and a conservative nurse who tried to convince us cancer could be cured by clean eating. That was… a journey.
Pros: Open to all genders; financial filtering is thoughtful.
Cons: One-time event; no connection continuity; vibe roulette.
Bumble BFF
This is the only method that led to a sustained, real-life friendship; one I still have a year later. Bumble BFF works just like a dating app: you build a profile, swipe, and match with potential friends.
At first, I hated it. It felt too much like dating with the matching, the awkward intros, and the ghosting. But once I realized friend conversations were much lower stakes, it got easier. After a few meetups, I found someone I clicked with. We started hanging out regularly… and I even threw her bachelorette party!
Friendship is like dating in its own way- it takes effort, chemistry, and timing. So maybe it makes sense that a dating-style app worked.
Pros: Allows filtering by interests and lifestyle; potential for genuine connection.
Cons: Just like dating apps, you might get stuck in the chat stage forever.
Adult Classes through Parks & Recreation
https://www.mountainview.gov/our-city/departments/community-services/recreation/register-for-classes
Most cities offer a Parks and Recreation catalog of classes year-round. Yes, it’s usually kid-heavy, but adult classes are often buried toward the back. I signed up for a Mandarin language course.
The people were kind, and the routine was grounding. But most classmates were in different life stages (married, older, or focused on family) and the class itself wasn’t designed to foster friendships. There were no group projects or shared deadlines (i.e., the classic college friendship accelerators), and without any real reason to connect outside of class, relationships stayed surface-level.
Pros: Low pressure, skill-building, affordable.
Cons: Limited social connection; varies greatly depending on the group.
MeetUp
MeetUp is a classic. I focused on groups for women in their 30s and board game enthusiasts. The activity-based format was great – something to focus on instead of struggling through small talk – and everyone was there with the goal of meeting people.
But once the event ends, so does the momentum. You can attend again, but with large member lists and rotating attendees, there’s no guarantee you’ll see the same people twice. Without repetition or built-in structure, it was hard to build deeper connections.
Pros: Activity-based, low-cost, and widely accessible.
Cons: Lacks continuity; no built-in follow-up.
Next Up: The Dagmar Summer Series
After trying all of the above, I realized I was done passively showing up to someone else’s pre-planned event. What if, instead of waiting to find a group I liked, I just built the kind of events I wished existed?
So I created something I’m calling “The Dagmar Summer Series”; a set of four events across the summer, each centered around something I enjoy:
- An outdoor movie night
- BBQ & board games at the park
- A D&D Night for Beginners
- A group trip to a Giants game at Oracle Park
Each event is open to my existing network, with an open invite to extend to their friends, coworkers, or whoever wants to tag along. By designing events that reflect my own interests, I’ve created a natural filter for meeting people who are aligned with me. It’s also way less awkward than trying to make conversation over wine and vague small talk.
All the events are activity-based and casual. The idea is to let connection happen around something fun – not because we’re all sitting in a circle trying to impress each other. And if nothing else, I’ll be spending my summer doing things I genuinely love. If new friendships come out of it, even better.
My first event kicks off June 7, and I’ll be sure to report back. Who knows; maybe this turns into something special. Or maybe I’ve just reinvented MeetUp, but less effective. Either way, I’m calling it a win!
Dagmar
The Dagmar Perspective 
Leave a comment